
"I don't know Hugh Bristler but I don't think I'd like him."
Some time ago, I sat down with famed poet and translator Hugh Bristler. We met briefly in the smoky confines of his oak-paneled office at the College of Overshire. Below is an excerpt from that conversation.
Jeremy Gregg: Thank you for making time to meet with me.
Hugh Bristler: (setting aside a stack of papers) Who are you? Oh, right. “The blogger.” I don’t know who you blew to get in here — probably one of those fucktards in the development office — but keep it brief. I’ve got a young person’s dreams to crush. (puts out his cigarette on the stack of papers by his side)
JG: So, you enjoy teaching?
HB: I enjoy ogling the swinging breasts of young co-eds too stupid to know what a miserable waste they are making of my time. By which I mean to say, yes. Teaching suits me fine.
JG: Your poetry has been criticized as obtuse and hard to decipher. One recent review in the New York Times desribed it as “aloof to the point of mocking its reader.” How do you respond to that kind of feedback?
HB: I think we can now see why the newspaper business is failing.
JG: Do you believe that most people share that view of your poetry?
HB: (scowls) I don’t write blogs, boy; I write poetry. Most people share no view of it all.
JG: So, in your teaching, you obviously encounter young people who question the value of poetry.
HB: (raucous guffawing followed by a fit of coughs, then a drink from his coffee cup… which does not smell like coffee)
JG: …how do you explain poetry to them?
HB: I don’t. It would be like explaining breath to a fish: that which gives us life would give it death. And besides, it’s a fucking fish. It dont speaka da English.
JG: So, you don’t –
HB: (imitating a fish) Ohhh, please, Mr. Poet, tells us about meter! Tells us about rhyme! Weze just a nice little fishy, flabby white belly and big bulgy dull eyes. Weze just waiting for your teeth to sink in…. Oh, no! Mr. Poet! No, please don’t eats us!
JG: Perhaps I should –
HB: (grabs a nearby paper from the stack and tears it with his teeth) No, no, Mr. Poet! Don’t rend our flesh and use our guts as bait to catch our children! No, please, cruel master poet, please!!!
JG: This has been a fascinating conversation, Prof. Bristler. Thank you for your time.
HB: (spitting out the paper and sipping on his not-coffee) I’ll forget you were ever here by nightfall.
JG: I’ll send you a link to the story when it’s finished.
HB: Wait, was this an interview?
JG: (Quickly grabs his things and leaves)